I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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