I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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