census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize