so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
