i need an iv and a liver transplant
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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