The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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