the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize