I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
