shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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