I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
