Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
