there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
