I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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