I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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