You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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