I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
