The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
