I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
