genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
