I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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