Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
