i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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