omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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