I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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