If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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