I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Mom said you looked used
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize