I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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