so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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