His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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