Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
