Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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