Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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