Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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