Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
