the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
