i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Couch. On fire.
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