I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is the high leading the old right now
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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