I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sorry about my life...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
