i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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