what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
