I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
