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she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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