the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
