My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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