my phone needs a breathalizer
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
