1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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