she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
