Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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