Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
