Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
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