dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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