I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
