This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
