Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
