RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
