if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
