I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
