I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
