Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize