Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
