I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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