I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
