your parents love me but you hate me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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