i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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