He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Congratulations! We have a period
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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