i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
